Drama. One word, a hundred uses. A daily convergance of multiplicities, duplicities, dreams & desires. Intermeshing, intertwining, intermingling. Co-habitating, conflicting. Everything & nothing, all for one & none for all. Jam today for bread tomorrow. Promises & Lies. Love & Hate, anger & joy, pain & bliss. "Ashes to Ashes, we all fall down." No begining, no ending.
I sit and type, a hundred miles away from drama. Yet there is drama all around. Within my own house, the house of my neighbors. None of it means anything, so why should this?
What is 'right' & what does it mean to be it? Is there even such a thing? And to what point did our society, ourselves, get so to the inability to trust in the nature of another? Do we even ever truely know the nature of those around us, or do we make ourselves believe that we do for fear that if we admit that we do not, that we have nothing left? Why must we base all we know on the principles of our own understanding as though we could never accept that which we don't?
I had thought (for roughly ten seconds) to write an unsent letter. But I figured that with everything going on, what would be the point? Why write something that may be of consequence, only to avoid it? No. Words can on occasion be as direct as actions & as such responsibilty for them & thier consequences must be held.
To you I can only say the following: I always do my best to disregard the opinions of other people as given to me BY other people, preffering to form my own. Unfortunatly, so far, I have found little that allows mine to contradict thiers. You are indeed a braggart on many an occasion. Why you feel the need to be such is beyond me. I too used to be verbose in my own self opinion & all I can say (for myself) about the reason for doing so was to extract myself from under a mistaken shroud of inadequacy. To pull myself from the shadows of others & to convince myself (& hopefully those around me) that I was worthy within my own right's as a human being. I built a maze of facades & charades, smoke & mirrors, promises & lies, with no regard to the consequnces of them. I've since come to realize the damage that this does, by many different means. The quest to change ones self is _never_ easy, but it's made all the harder when you refuse to let go. When you refuse to admit and submit to the facts (& not the delussions) of who & what you are, who & what you wish to become or what you fear you may be.
It does no good to hide yourself, for it can only cause harm to those who believe in you or form trust with you. Lately, your actions & decisions (or those that you choose to share with those around you) are inspiring anything BUT trust. Having wandered myself down the road of isolation & mistrust, of false vindications & the sweet promises of self deception & the belief that my own ego was sufficently infailable.... I know not what you are hiding or why, but it is apparent to all that you are indeed hiding something. Be it motive or reason, actions or words.
We all do. So it's no surprise to me. I can even understand should there be any unwillingness to unburden these things to others. But the point of all of this is (or should be) rather plain. As an individual now involved in a relationship that affects many (physically, mentally, emotionally & even financially) your 'right' to individualisim has given no comprimise. It has not governed itself or you beyond your own basic self desires. It has done little to propigate harmony or inclusion into the affairs of the family, it has not even settled for making those affairs AS important to you as your own self desires, much less MORE important. And lets face it, there are few people who could ever REALLY set the affairs of others so completely above thier own as to have none themselves. And that isn't what is being asked of you anyway.
As a human, you're just like everyone else. As such, I treat you accordingly. My own opinion of you is that yes, you ARE knowledgable. You are a capable & intelligent person. But you allow your own impression of your capability and ability to overshadow anyone elses opinions on matters. Be they technical, automotive or otherwise. And this makes you an annoyance, though (for me, atleast) a bearable one. Rather than having these things as detriments, I'd suggest allowing them to become assets. USE your ability and capability to continue to expand yourself, instead of falling into the belief that you already know all you need to know. Allow the possibility that the opinions of others ARE just as valuable as your own & as need be, actually allow for those opinions to shape & influence actions & decisions. And do yourself a favor. Don't pretend or allow yourself to believe that none of this matters. Because I can assure you, it matters in ways you may not (or possibly may) be able to conceive yet.
To you, I have this: Waiting is, forever & always. For right or for wrong. I don't know why you feel you cannot be a patient person. You can be whatever you want to be & I've always thought you knew that. I've seen you do many things on impulse for so many reasons, many of them I can't even pretend to understand. I've seen you fall hard, I've seen you fall fast, I've seen you fall far. And every time, I wonder if you're ever aware of what you're doing, wonder if you know what it is that you're doing to yourself or if you even care. I often wonder what it is that you're trying to do, much less wether even you can answer that question.
I've heard you say, time & again, that you have what you want. But then you find something new & what you have suddenly never seems enough. Why is that? Do you truely have what you want, what you need? Or do you feel that you must believe that you do & so you assume it to be so? I can understand needs, for there are many of them. But I could never understand your way of following them, accepting some while denying others. You've even occasionally denied that needs for others exist outside of you, or at the least have had a hard time understanding them. Given that I have a hard time understanding my own needs or you & yours might do well to explain our problems throughout our lengthly past, yet for all of them I'm glad we're still knowing each other as well as we do or don't. :-)
Neither of us has the full story about what is going on. Neither of us knows what actions or consequences might ensue from the situation that has sudden sprung Adonis like into reality. How much of it is of our own making, how much of it is real? How closely can we imagine before we get hung by the very threads of Fate that we are trying to understand?
You have rules for the family, you have rules for the household, you even have rules for your mates. So far (from my point of view at least) they are all fully understandable. Some of them seem simple enough as to be common sense, but we know how common it really isn't, common sense. (I'll refrain from further oxymoronic examples) But can rules be applied hard & fast, firm as concrete to everyone & everything? Are allowances acceptable & if so, how much allowance is tolerable before it in itself become intolerable?
*sighs* I'm loosing purpose behind the impulse to write all of this. The weight of it & all that begs to be said is quickly escaping this medium. That things will be as they are ment to be, is to me, the ultimate of escapisim right now. 'There is no fate but what we make for ourselves'. Actions do indeed speak louder than words, but even words have thier value & the true crime is in treating both as seperate of each other.
For everyone else out there, wondering what the fuck is going on here, well, if you already know then you know & if you don't, don't worry about it. :-) Life is going well for the most part. I spent a fairly nice week in PDX (that's Portland, OR for you acronymically challenged). Inspite of some damn cold temperatures & high winds which made trick-or-treating a painful proposition we did still manage to get the kids over to Beaverton Mall. Oh, eh-scusy-moi, Ceder Mill Crossing. *sighs* Not much of a take was obtained. Between the two girls, maybe half a bucket was filled. I remember in my childhood it was common to have enough candy that you still had some left come the next halloween. *shakes head* Oi. In the end though, I'm almost happy to see a decline in this participation of an event that should never have been commercialized as it has been, but it still say something about the decline in society and trust that things have gotten as bad as they have with something so simple.
I'm thinking that I'm managing to bury myself with trying to do too much again. I still haven't managed to adjust a layout for someone, though I've promised them (at least to my own understanding, I made a promise) that I would do so & get it to them quickly.....it's now been almost a month. A website that I agreed to look at that might even generate some income for me, I haven't managed to touch inspite of having all the relevant HTML & images......& I happen to know that the person who owns the site would like to have something by anybody & soon as it's not cheap for them to continue using the numbnuts that is currently maintaining the site. To top it off, I'm _still_ not getting as far as fast as I'd like to with my acquisition of PHP & Perl, or even of establishing something approching a social life up here in olympia (or anywhere else, for that matter).
Well, I think I've managed enough writting for now. Time to see what shakes loose & falls into place, if anything at all. As a general disclaimer, if I've managed to offend either of the people that I've referenced, I hope they have the common sense to atleast talk about it before doing anything rash, for I refuse to take responsibility for other peoples actions or reactions. For right or wrong, I've only written my opinion & observations. To anybody offended by what I've said to either of them, fuck off, this isn't about you, it isn't even about me.
Images: "Eulogy"(top) and "Natural High"(bottom right) excerpted from the image
Spikes Mirror done by JaxRaven.
"Casting Shadows"(bottom left) found on Google,
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Design & Layout done by me. all rights wronged, all lefts copied, all reserves purged, all marks traded.
